Today I’m going to write about a sport that has seen the greatest sportsmen and women in history, scream, shout, and let it all out on the court, while wearing the shortest skirts and shorts that the world has enjoyed looking at. For most teenagers, this is soft porn they can watch in front of their parents, and for parents this is the only form of porn they can control.
This is a beautiful game, a game where you’re judged by your inadequacies. A game where your opponents–who’s most probably wearing even shorter shorts or skirt than you are–become champions because of your mistakes. This sport is called tennis.
On TV you’ll notice the coach watching from the player’s box wearing his shades with arms crossed, while the tennis player screams at himself and destroys their $600 000 tennis racquet that is supposed to make them play like a champion, while the coach reminisces on the times when he could watch a tennis game on TV, with his mother.
But seriously this is a beautiful sport, and each game can literally go on forever unless someone makes a mistake. If you’re 105 years old and you’re watching your greatest grandson’s granddaughter go up against the best tennis player in the world, you don’t have forever, you have about as much time as it takes to cook microwaved noodles for your grandson’s granddaughter to win the match. If she loses… well, let’s just say mourning the loss of that game will not be the only mourning she will be doing that week.
Every game, every set you see a player lose, it destroys them as much as their greatest grandmother silently fades into the next world. What makes things even worse is that the crowd claps like hungry seals clapping for fish when that hardworking player makes a mistake. My advice for anybody wanting to pick up tennis would be to play basketball. The shorts have gotten much longer, the crowd cheers you on when you DON’T make a mistake, and the pay is amazing. Plus you can convince your parents you’re not yet ready to watch soft porn in front of them.
